Happy New Year?
I have been frustrated with myself lately. Obviously I haven’t posted in awhile. That’s part of it. I had a chat today with a pal at work who was lamenting the fact that she wasn’t as efficient as usual. I didn’t realize I was feeling the same way until she articulated it…there is so much to grade and plan and process…but we reach a point where our “brain won’t have it”. I voiced my own concern about this new state of relative inefficiency being permanent…the “new normal” as they say. Many people at my job talk about what they might do if not teach…it used to be distant plans for post-retirement, but more and more the folks I talk to are talking about near future…folks who would never have thought about retiring are now calculating how soon they can and how much of a pension that they could get. Burn Out is real.
I’m also annoyed with myself for not sticking to the Plan. I know I can manage the work-out/cardio routine…I did it for six months during the height of the Pandemic. Today I just couldn’t do it. Poor Luna is not getting her exercise. I know I’m not. I think it is important to acknowledge and embrace the idea that it is more than advancing age that keeps me from being able to do everything so well as I would like. Yesterday I learned a new phrase from my kids. Girlboss was explained to me like girls can do it all…which reminded me of a an Enjoli commercial from the seventies… “she can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan…and never let you forget you’re a man”…I am fairly certain that this isn’t the message my little feminists are meaning to send…not the last part, anyway. But I am USED to being a girlboss. I am USED to working a full day, hosting a practice or rehearsal, getting my papers graded, cooking dinner AND lunch for the next day, and making sure my pup is exhausted by the end of the day because of long walks and romps at the dog park. I am moving at a slower speed today and it makes me nervous. What if this is the best I can do? I don’t know if I can bear it if it is. But back to that idea that it is more than just getting older. I have been on HIGH, high alert for coming up on two years. Beyond just being work-tired, I am tired from the unspoken concern about my children, my family…their choices and actions and the implications of COVID in all of it. I wake up with a twinge and think, “oh, no…is it the ‘Rona?” I sneeze and freeze and have to remind myself that Texas Allergies are a Thing…not EVERYTHING is COVID related…but kind of it is. Even if I don’t come down with it, I love people who have…I worry about them and their recovery. My thoughts most of the time (when I’m not engaged with a human or a very intelligent canine) are prayers…incantations of protection and deliverance for the people who suffer…spells for safety and peace of mind. That is energy that goes out from me into the universe…maybe I need to find ways to replenish my own stocks.
I am reminded of the movie Airplane… “I picked the wrong day to…”
Maybe I need to allow myself an extra hour of sleep this week instead of trying to do it All. Maybe I picked the wrong week to cut out Coca Cola…well…it’s been 72 days since my last Coke…maybe I need to worry less about depriving myself (y’all it’s Girl Scout Cookie season, so be reasonable)…and focus my energy on small steps to find my efficiency.
I am tired…constant thrumming on my nerves and a steady cortisol stream. We are not designed to sustain such levels. Maybe that is why we are so worn out.
