Satisfaction Guaranteed

I am listening to The Firm…this album was the soundtrack for my senior year of high school. I remember listening to it with my enormous headphones and feeling invincible. And oddly powerful…I didn’t have vocabulary yet for the things I was going through…or perhaps I did, but didn’t want to receive any explanation. This album made me feel sexy…and desirable…all this at a time when I was waking up to the possibilities and implications of that. Most days lately my hair is in an untamed mass on top of my head, and I’d almost universally prefer to be in leggings than anything binding, and I wonder sometimes where that girl went. I learned much later that I caught the attention of others…that I didn’t understand the power and allure that I had. My life might have been different if I had possessed that knowledge then. It is becoming easier to remember that there is “magic all around me”…the music that moved me then can still move me today. I wonder why I am sometimes wistful for that time. It was awkward and messy and I cried a lot. A lot, a lot. I wonder if I missed my chance for epic romance. Will I need to wait for the next incarnation for that? I have Great Love in my life, truly I do. My children, my family (biologic and chosen), my Luna, my vocation, my students, my friends…I don’t feel anything is wanting exactly…it’s just when the strains of these songs fill my head it reminds me of being desirable…for myself…not just for what I can do for people.

It has been one hell of a rough fortnight and I am frayed in nerves and patience and productivity.

It is interesting what floats to the surface when you are not looking.