Taking the Hill…and retaking…
It is easy to get discouraged when you set for yourself a goal…make some headway…lose that headway…gain it again…this idea may be in the front of my mind because we just finished learning about World War II, the Cold War, the Korean and Vietnam Wars.
My own personal battle du jour is the conquering of the Weight Hill. I have made good progress since August 10th, and I am proud of that. The last two weeks I have been off my game. Last week was Spring Break, and I spent it in the Vortex with my mother. We ate nice things, I got lots of sleep, but I did not walk or exercise at all during that time. My choice…I have it successfully rationalized. This past week has found me adrift. Most of my morning routine revolves around Luna and she stayed with Mom this week. There is no NEED for me to get up and take a three-mile hike around the neighborhood so Luna will be a little tired while I am at work. If I’m going to hit the snooze anyway, there’s no NEED for me to get up at 0430 for all of that. I got the second shot of the vaccine, and though I tried not to pay attention to the possible side-effects, it is possible that I might be hypochondriac-ing a little…I am tired and sore and weary. Or it could be Texas allergies…I’m not completely convinced who would win THAT arm-wrestling match between COVID and Texas in all her glory. Please don’t aggravate Texas to find out. I still have visions of the cedar pollen blowing like smoke across the Hill Country.
Well. Today was the first weigh-in since the last two weeks, and I confess I am disappointed in the lost ground. Sanguine, but disappointed. The thing is that, this time around, I realize that I made the choices I did, the consequences of those choices blinking at me smugly from the bathroom scale. The other thing is that through hard work and discipline since August, I have covered that ground before. I may have lost a few yards, but I can and will regain not just THAT hill, but the next one, too. Another time I would have thrown up my hands in frustration and dug a box of Thin Mints out of my freezer because, why not? I’m not dismissing that plan because I couldn’t find a Girl Scout selling cookies this year. I actually have two boxes of Thin Mints in my freezer. I feel differently about things this time. It is not the end of the world that I gained some weight back. It means that I pick a new starting point…tomorrow, Monday, whatever, and I go back to what I know works.
The deal with discipline is that you NEVER stop working at things. Whether it a skill or talent, life skills or diet, prayer or meditation, kindness or self-care…it isn’t just for achieving a goal…once that goal is achieved, you have to KEEP WORKING AT IT. There is no armistice or treaty that says, “Okay, cool, you win…you no longer have to fight to keep it.” Ordinarily the magnitude of effort required to be “disciplined” has been hard for me to grasp. I felt like I was holding on to a branch sticking out of the side of an enormous cliff…too easy to lose my grip on it. Today I am in a different place. I might have to climb up the branch to start scaling the cliff, but I am still ready to climb. Even as I begin to understand that climbing to the top of the cliff isn’t the end game…there are other peaks and caves and crevices that I need to explore…and even once I get to the top, I understand that there will be winds and rains buffeting me. My job will be to keep on moving…keep on striving…I think there will be a peace in the effort…I just have to keep effort-ing.
So…today I will make my ubiquitous list. I have things I want to organize in my head, and it is my experience that the time taken to write it all out is worthwhile. It is a bit like Dumbledore and his Pensieve. I need to pull it out of my brain so that my brain is less crowdy. I have a new book about chakras I want to read. I have a garage that needs cleaning. I have a house that could use it, too.
So…like another general from another warzone…”I shall return…”
